The Penguin's Haul Batman Solves All
by DavidPresents
Summary: Holy Time Warp, Batman! Back to the 1960's in this fanfiction based on the old live-action TV show. A wealthy heiress is kidnapped, followed by more damsels in distress! Will Batman, Robin, and Batgirl get to the rescue in time? Rated for light bondage.


**A fanfiction based on the live-action **_**Batman**_** television program from the 1960s's.**

*"It's a beautiful, sunny morning in Gotham City. The social elite pass the day paying calls on one another, and the Gorman residence is no exception!"*

"Nancy, dear, must you gyrate about to that electric cacophony?" Mrs. P. J. Gorman asked her daughter.

"You need to unbend, mother," Nancy replied, continuing to dance to the rock and roll music. She wore a flower dress with bell sleeves; her blonde hair, shoulder length, ended with a smart curl. "It's the grooviest new sound. Join in! Don't be such a square!"

"Better a square than a s_quiggle,_" the elderly woman announced, eyeing her daughter's movements disdainfully. "Yes, what is it, Kayves?" she asked as the butler glided silently into the room.

"A visitor, madam," he intoned, handing her a silver platter with a card.

"Who's this?" asked Mrs. Gorman as Nancy, still dancing, glanced over her shoulder. "'The Penguin, Wealthy Entrepreneur and Man about Town'? What sort of name for a person is 'Penguin'? I very much doubt he is listed in the social register or is received at the best houses in Gotham City. Kayves, throw the ruffian out!"

"Very good, madam," Kayves replied.

"Oh, and Kayves, if he appears to be hungry, tell cook to find him something to eat," she continued. "We must, after all, be kind to the less fortunate. I believe we have some leftover caviar that would otherwise go to waste."

"Very good, madam."

"Waugh, waugh, waugh, what's this?" The Penguin waddled into the room, dressed as usual in a purple top hat, with a monocle in one eye and a cigarette holder clenched in his teeth. "Deny entry to me? Treat Gotham City's airiest aristocrat like a penniless pauper? The hospitality of your abode is sorely lacking!"

"Who are you?" Mrs. Gorman demanded as Nancy, seemingly oblivious to the intrusion, kept twirling to the music.

"What, didn't you see my card?" the Penguin asked, handing her another. "I'm Penguin! And this ravishing redheaded rose," he pointed to a young woman dressed in a green jumpsuit who followed him in, "is Miss Penelope Gwendolyn, Pen Gwen for short."

"How do you do?" Pen Gwen asked formally.

"How do you do?" Mrs. Gorman asked back stiffly.

"And these two finks, er, fine gentlemen." The Penguin pointed as his henchmen entered, dressed in black with white letters on their shirts, one reading TERN, the other AUK. "These are my associates, er, well, you can see their names easily enough. You, of course, are Mrs. P. J. Gorman, and this young lady must be your charming daughter, Nancy. A pleasure to meet you, my dear."

He took Nancy's hand, giving it a kiss as the debutante continued her dancing.

"Get your hands off my daughter!" Mrs. Gorman shouted. "And get out of my house. Kayves, call the police!"

"The police? Those meddlesome muddlers? We don't want them!" squawked the Penguin. He pointed his umbrella, emitting a cloud of purple smoke. The music ended abruptly as Mrs. Gorman, Nancy, and Kayves started coughing.

"Grab her, finks!" the Penguin ordered, pointing to Nancy.

Nancy screamed, but Tern and Auk, unaffected by the smoke, wrapped a cord around her wrists. More rope followed, binding her arms and legs. A wide strip of orange cloth was tied over her lower face, gagging her.

"Mpfff!" she cried out desperately, but her mother and the butler, still coughing, were powerless to do anything to help her.

"Waugh, waugh, waugh," the Penguin laughed, hefting the heiress over his shoulder.

…..

"It's a said, sad day for Gotham City," Commissioner Gordon intoned in his most somber tones, "when one of our leading citizens cannot feel safe in her own home, but has to stand by helplessly as her daughter is snatched right in front of her!"

"I heard of that dirty bird's dastardly deed," Police Chief O'Hara said. "Sure'n I'll put my best officers on the case… notify the FBI of the kidnapping… monitor the phone lines…."

The Commissioner laid a restraining hand on his arm. "No, Chief O'Hara. No denigration intended to the fine members of your force. Were this an ordinary kidnapping, I'd have every confidence in their abilities. However, we are dealing with that archfiend, the Penguin himself. There is only one course of action open to us."

He lifted the headset of the red Batphone. "I have no idea who he is behind that cowl, but whoever he is, he is the only one who can safely return Miss Nancy Gorman safely to her family."

…..

*"Meanwhile, at stately Wayne Manor, home of millionaire Bruce Wayne and his youthful ward, Dick Grayson…."*

"Ah, this trigonometry homework is hard!" Dick exclaimed, slapping his textbook on the table. "What use can cosecants have in real life?"

Aunt Harriet frowned gently. "Now, Dick, you mustn't talk like that. Just because you don't understand a practical application for it now that doesn't mean a solid grasp of trigonometry won't come in useful in your future."

"Gosh, Aunt Harriet, you're right!" Dick exclaimed, picking his textbook back up. "I'm sorry I let my frustrations get the better of me. I'll apply myself until I understand the mathematics!"

"That's the right attitude!" she encouraged him. "Perhaps some milk and cookies would help your studies?"

"Gosh, that would hit the spot!"

Alfred the butler glided in, as silently as Kayves had in the first scene. He leaned over Bruce's shoulder as the millionaire read his newspaper. "The Batphone, sir," his whispered.

"Thank you, Alfred." Bruce tossed his newspaper aside. "Dick, Alfred has just reminded me that conditions are perfect for us to catch a glimpse of that rare bird we were discussing earlier."

"I've been waiting for a chance for some action… I mean, for our bird watching!" Dick bounced up off the couch.

"But, Dick, your trigonometry!" Aunt Harriet said.

"Sorry, Aunt Harriet, some other time."

"Oh, Alfred, there the two of them go, running off again!" said Aunt Harriet. "Bird watching, of all things, and just when I had Dick convinced to concentrate on his studies! Whatever can Bruce be thinking?"

"I imagine, madam, he feels a proper mixture of pleasure and study is in order for young Master Grayson," Alfred suggested.

In the library, Bruce picked up the Batphone. "Yes, Commissioner? The Penguin, you say?"

"Holy felonious feathers!" Dick exclaimed.

"We'll be right there." Batman hung up the phone. "To the Batpoles, Dick!"

…..

[Exciting cutaway music, followed by the _Batman _theme. The opening credits display against an animated background.]

…..

After sliding down the Batpoles, they were no longer Bruce and Dick. Their comfortable clothes for lounging about home were replaced with the crime-fighting uniforms of Batman and Robin. They leapt into the Batmobile, pausing to fasten their seatbelts. A moment later, they were speeding along the fourteen-mile drive to Gotham City proper.

As Commissioner Gordon awaited their arrival, he made one more phone call, on his private line. "Hello, Barbara!"

"Hi, Daddy!" Barbara Gordon answered. She sat in her apartment, alone except for her pet Mexican green parrot, Charlie.

"Barbara, I have something to tell you, but I don't know quite how to say it. You know Nancy Gorman, daughter of wealthy businesswoman J. P. Gorman?"

"Yes, Daddy, I went to college with her."

"Brace yourself, Barbara. She's been kidnapped, by the Penguin!"

"That's terrible, Daddy!"

"The good news, though, is that I've notified Batman and Robin. I expect them in my office shortly. Never fear, Barbara, I have every faith those stalwart crimefighters will find your friend and return her safely to her family."

Barbara finished the phone call as quickly as she could. She swung a section of the wall around, revealing a secret changing room. "I have to go out, Charlie," she told her parrot. "My friend, Nancy, needs my help." She put on a long, red wig and the rest of her Batgirl outfit. A moment later, she was speeding on the Batgirlcycle to Police Headquarters.

…..

"Batman, Boy Wonder!" said the Commissioner as the Dynamic Duo strode into his office. "A terrible business, this, terrible. I'm so glad to see you… oh, and you too, Batgirl," he added, as Batgirl slipped in to stand beside them. She placed her hands on her hips and treated Batman to a Mona Lisa smile.

"We came as quickly as we could, Commissioner," said Batman, after exchanging a look with Batgirl. "The Penguin has kidnapped Miss Nancy Gorman, you say?"

"Yes, he and his henchmen showed up at the Gorman residence, pretending to play a social call," the Commissioner explained. "When Mrs. P. J. Gorman very rightly ordered them out, he tied up the daughter and carried her away like a… like a sack of potatoes!"

"Mother McCree! The indignity of it all!" Chief O'Hara exclaimed.

"Has there been any ransom demand, Commissioner?" Batman asked.

"No, that's the curious thing," he answered. "We've been waiting for a note or call, but so far there's been nothing!"

"Holy silent treatment!" Robin exclaimed. "Why would he have kidnapped her, if not for ransom?"

"Yes, old chum, that is the question," Batman said. "The Penguin never does anything without a purpose, although it is not always clear at the time."

Batgirl frowned in concentration. "Did he leave any clues behind, Da… Commissioner?"

"No, nothing," he sighed. "Not a single thing we can go on! All we found were a couple of these plain, white calling cards with his name printed on them, but they're no help at all!"

Batman took one. "Commissioner, do you mind if I take this with me?"

"Oh, certainly, by all means!" The Commissioner looked almost relieved to rid himself of the cards

"Thank you, Commissioner," said Batman. "Batgirl…."

He looked around, but Batgirl was already gone.

"Holy disappearing act!" Robin exclaimed. "Batman! Where could she have gone?"

"No doubt off to make her own investigations, as we shall make ours," Batman replied. "I noticed her studying them intently before she left. Come, Robin, to the Batcave! We'll analyze these cards and see if they can't give us some clue as to the Penguin's… and Miss Gorman's… location!"

…..

*"Meanwhile, at the abandoned Wholly Mackerel Fish Canning Factory…."*

"Waugh, waugh, waugh," laughed the Penguin. "Comfy, my dear?"

"Mpfff!" Nancy answered indignantly, squirming in the thick ropes binding her to a chair.

"Boss, I don't get it," said Tern. The henchman scratched his head. "Why aren't we sending out a ransom demand? We could get millions for her?"

"Faugh!" shouted the Penguin. "What are millions compared to the endless fortune we'll pluck without effort once my plan comes to fruition?"

"But we're just sitting around, doing nothing," said Auk. "We don't want to give Batman time to figure out where we are."

"What are you driveling on about, you doddering dunderhead?" the Penguin squawked. "Batman find our location? Of course he'll find our location, at least, if he has half the brain I give him credit for, he will!"

Auk and Tern exchanged bewildered glances. "But boss, I don't understand!" said Tern.

The Penguin jabbed him in the ribs with his umbrella. "You don't have to understand, you just have to keep them busy fighting while Pen Gwen and I take care of the real business, understand?"

"But why do we have to fight them?" asked Auk. "Why not use the fog on them when they show up?"

"Who knows what they have in their utility belts to counter my fog?" asked the Penguin. "Stick to the plan and don't try to get clever, you're not cut out for it. Ah, hello, my dear," he greeted Pen Gwen. "All set?"

"All set, Pengy," she agreed.

"Excellent!" The Penguin rubbed his gloved hands together in excited anticipation.

Nancy gave him an appealing look as she desperately tried to form words despite the gag.

"Longing to tell Batman and Boy Blunder about our trap?" he sneered. "They'll be here soon enough, and then you can tell them anything you like, for all the good it'll do. Waugh, waugh, waugh!"

…..

"What do you hope the Batcomputer will find on the Penguin's cards, Batman?" Robin asked. "Do you think there's a secret message?"

"Yes, Robin, although not the sort of secret message I suspect you meant," Batman answered. The Batcomputer hummed and its lights flashed as it analyzed the cards. "Not invisible ink, but rather an unintended clue to the Penguin's location. As you know, whenever the Penguin isn't masquerading as an honest citizen, he finds for his hideout an abandoned building, of which Gotham City has more than its fair share. I have often thought that if Mayor Linseed were to address this issue, the opportunities for the criminal elements in our city would be severely curtailed… however, I digress. With any luck, the Batcomputer will find some residue on the cards that will give us a clue as to which building he has chosen."

"Gosh, it's good we have the Batcomputer to perform such a complex analysis for us!" said Robin.

"Yes, Robin, but remember, the computer is merely a tool and should never be used as a substitute for our own critical thinking." The Batcomputer pinged, and Batman scooped the small card it ejected. "Here, Robin, we have our first clue. In addition to the dust one would expect, the Batcomputer detects microscopic amounts of tomato, olive oil, and a particular grade of salt used for canning fish."

"Holy trace elements!" Robin exclaimed.

"Indeed, Robin. The proportion of these ingredients to the dust suggests a plant that has been closed for approximately six months. I will now ask the computer if there are any matches in Gotham City… here we are!"

"The Wholly Mackerel Fish Canning Factory!" Robin read off.

"Yes, Robin, unless I miss my guess, that is where we will find the missing Miss Gorman."

"Then why are we standing around here?" asked Robin. "Let's go!"

…..

*"Meanwhile, at a corner print shop in Gotham City…."*

"Hello, Miss… oh, my, it's Batgirl!" the printer said. "How can I help you?"

"Have you filled any orders recently for someone called the Penguin?" Batgirl asked.

"Hmm, the Penguin, the Penguin." The printer checked his record book. "Why, yes, quite recently, as a matter of fact. But, how did you think to come into my small shop? There must be hundreds of printers in Gotham City?"

"I've made a study of printing," she explained, "and I thought I recognized the unique font on the cards as being from your shop."

"Ah, yes, I see," he said.

"Can you tell me where you delivered the order?" she asked.

"They weren't delivered," the printer explained. "It's all coming back to me now. I remember him waddling in here, dressed all funny like he does, both to order them and pick them up again."

"Thank you for your help," said Batgirl. She walked out, thinking hard. "If the Penguin walked to this shop his hideout must be close by. It would have to be somewhere abandoned." She drove her Batgirlcycle around the neighborhood, looking at the small shops. One big building stood out. "The Wholly Mackerel Fish Canning Factory," she read. "It's worth a look."

She arrived at the entrance to the building just as the Batmobile pulled up.

"Batgirl! Are we glad to see you!" Robin exclaimed. "We suspect the Penguin has Nancy Gorman inside. But, how did you know to look here?"

"Just call it my intuition," she said in her usual mysterious way when talking with the Dynamic Duo. "Let's go inside and rescue my fr… Miss Gorman!"

…..

"Mpfff!" Nancy said as she continued to struggle against the ropes binding her.

"Hey, boss, the alarm light's flashing," said Auk.

"What?" The Penguin tapped the control. "Ah, yes, my expected unexpected visitors, three of them, I see. That means Batgirl's with them. Very good, all my plans would've gone to waste without her. Positions, everyone!"

"I give you one chance, Penguin," Batman shouted. "Release the girl and give yourself up!"

"I'll never give myself up," Pen Gwen shot back.

"I wasn't speaking to you, Miss," said Batman, "but rather to the master criminal you've so very foolishly attached yourself to."

"Enough of this chitter chatter!" squawked the Penguin. "Forward to the attack!"

Despite the order, the Penguin stepped back, hiding in the shadows as Auk and Tern rushed forward. Batgirl picked up an empty crate, crashing it over their heads.

**CRACK!**

They recovered swiftly, going for Batman and Robin as Pen Gwen and Batgirl tangled, wrestling together. They tumbled to the floor, spinning away from the henchmen as they did. Batman made a fist and connected with Auk's chest.

**POW!**

"Get, them, get them!" the Penguin shouted, waving his umbrella in encouragement.

A blow sent Batman stumbling against Nancy's chair. "Mpfff!" the captive said, desperately trying to get his attention.

"Pardon me, Miss," said Batman, straightening the chair that had nearly tipped over. "I'll have you untied as soon as we finish with Penguin's henchmen."

"Mpfff!" Nancy shook her head, still trying to get his attention, but Batman jumped back into the fight, nodding in satisfaction as he saw Robin land a blow against Tern.

**WHAM!**

"That's got them, Batman!" said Robin, looking at the two henchmen lying on the floor. "Let's grab the Penguin before he runs away!"

"No, Robin," said Batman. "Our first duty is to see to the safety of the kidnap victim. Miss, are you all right?" he asked, pulling the gag from her mouth as Robin untied the ropes.

"Yes, but Batman, you don't understand!" Nancy spoke urgently, so that Batman and Robin failed to notice Tern and Auk slinking away. "This was a ruse. While you were fighting the henchmen, Penguin and Pen Gwen made away with Batgirl!"

"Holy distractions!" Robin exclaimed. He looked around the abandoned factory, but there was no sign of anyone else.

"He has some deathtrap planned for her," Nancy continued. "He said that you would be so crushed knowing you had failed to protect her that you would be useless to continue crimefighting and he'd have a free reign in Gotham City!"

"He would be right, if that were true," Batman said grimly. "However, we won't let him get away with this. Come on, Robin, to the Batmobile. We may yet find Batgirl before it's too late!"

…..

*"Meanwhile, at an abandoned metal processing plant…."

"Mpfff!" Batgirl said defiantly. She struggled against ropes that bound her to a long conveyor belt. A cloth gag ran between her teeth, keeping her quiet.

"Waugh, waugh, waugh," laughed the Penguin, leaning over his captive. "In just moments, my dear, I shall activate this machine, designed to punch out flat sardine tins from metal sheets. As we have a Batgirl replacing one of the sheets of metal on the conveyor belt… well, you can probably see where this is going."

Batgirl raised her legs, straining against the ropes as much as they allowed. The Penguin jumped back hastily, narrowly avoiding her toes striking his stomach.

"You malapert minx!" he shouted. "Finks, tie her more securely to the conveyor belt so she can't try any of her tricks again!"

"Yes, boss."

"Oh, and in case you're thinking those two meddling heroes will come to the rescue, I've a little something to take care of that." The Penguin waved an arm. "Batgirl, meet… Batgirl!"

"Mpfff!" exclaimed Batgirl. Pen Gwen stepped forward, dressed exactly like her, in a purple jumpsuit with a bat-wing shaped yellow cape!

"Off you go, my dear, to convince those two do-gooders that Batgirl is in no need of rescuing," said the Penguin.

"Yes, Pengy," said Pen Gwen. She gave Batgirl a simpering smile and headed away.

"Let's see now, how do we start this blasted thing?" asked the Penguin. "Oh, yes, here we go."

He pulled down a lever. The conveyor belt jerked forward. Loud mechanical clanking filled the air – the sound of machinery preparing to do its work! Lights flashed and gears pounded. A sheet of metal entered the machine and a pile of empty sardine cans came out the other end.

"Waugh, waugh, waugh!" laughed the Penguin.

"MPFFF!" screamed Batgirl, struggling wildly.

*"Is this the end for Batgirl, doomed to be cut into small rectangles? Or will the Dynamic Duo reach her in time? But, how will they know to come to her rescue, if the tricky Pen Gwen misleads them?

"Oh, the horror! Will anything happen to save her?

"Find out tomorrow…

"**SAME BAT TIME…**

"**SAME BAT CHANNEL!"***

…**..**

*"When last we saw Batgirl, the Penguin had her tied on a conveyor belt in an abandoned metal processing plant…"*

Batgirl squirmed helplessly in the ropes, as the conveyor belt jerked her forward.

*"…heading ever closer to a machine cutting metal sheets into empty sardine tins! Meanwhile, the Penguin's moll, Pen Gwen, has donned a Batgirl costume in a sneaky plot to deceive the Dynamic Duo!"*

Pen Gwen placed the Batgirl cowl onto her red hair, and trotted outside.

*"But wait! The worst is yet to come!"*

…..

[Exciting cutaway music, followed by the _Batman_ theme. The opening credits display against an animated background.]

…..

Robin smacked a fist into his other hand as Batman drove the Batmobile through the Gotham City streets. "That Penguin! When I see him, I'm going to make him sorry! I'll punish him…"

"Our first priority, Robin, will be Batgirl's safety," Batman interrupted gently. "As for Penguin, our duty as duly deputized officers of the law is clear. We will turn him over to be tried in a court of law. That court alone will decide on his punishment, which, we hope, will lead to his eventual rehabilitation."

"Gosh, Batman, you're right," Robin agreed. "It's just the thought of Batgirl in his hands makes me so angry!"

"It makes me angry as well, old chum," Batman replied. "However, we must use that anger constructively, and not give into our darker urges. It is self-control which separates us from the criminal element."

The Batmobile's radio beeped before Robin could answer. "Pardon the intrusion, sir," Alfred the butler said respectfully, "but there is a live television news broadcast I believe you and Master Robin might find relevant."

"Thank you, Alfred." Batman switched on the Batmobile's tiny television.

"We're live in uptown Gotham City," the news reporter announced, "with Batgirl, who says she has just escaped from the Penguin's lair, where she had been held captive."

"That's right," said Pen Gwen, who looked exactly like Batgirl, at least when viewed on a five-inch analog television screen. "He had me tied up, but I twisted and squirmed and got free of the ropes. Then I ran away before Pengy and the finks could catch me again!"

"What a remark story of courage and perseverance! Can you tell our viewers where this arch-criminal kept you prisoner?"

Pen Gwen paused briefly. "I can't say, as giving away the location might hamper the police investigation."

"Of course, I quite understand," said the news reporter. "Thank you for taking the time to talk with us, Batgirl."

"My pleasure," Pen Gwen replied. She hopped on the Batgirlcycle and sped away.

"Holy extrication, Batman!" Robin exclaimed. "It sure was lucky Batgirl got herself free!"

"Yes, it would seem that way," Batman agreed. He activated the radio. "Batgirl, this is Batman. Do you read me, Batgirl?"

He repeated the call several times before getting a response. "Yes, Batman, I read you."

"Are you all right, Batgirl?"

The answering voice sounded slightly annoyed. "Yes, Batman, I'm fine. I escaped from the Penguin, but I can't talk more right now. I'm on my way to… to study the evidence to figure out what his next crime will be. I'll contact you when I learn something more."

…..

*"As Pen Gwen returns to the abandoned metal processing facility, we see that Batgirl's fate is growing ever direr!"*

"Mpfff!" Batgirl said. The mechanical cutter drew in another sheet of aluminum as it continued to spit out empty sardine tins. The caped crimefighter twisted and turned, as she continued to be drawn closer and closer to the machine.

"Hi, Pengy!" Pen Gwen called out. She had changed from the Batgirl outfit back into her green jumper.

"Welcome back, my dear." The Penguin gave her a quick embrace.

"Hasn't the machine done its job on her yet?" Pen Gwen asked petulantly, frowning at Batgirl's frantic struggles.

"These things take time," the Penguin answered carelessly.

"You could have placed her closer," Pen Gwen pointed out. "It would've been over by now, if you had."

"What's your hurry?" asked the Penguin. "This way she has time to think about what a pestilent plague she's been all this time, won't you, my dear?"

Batgirl gave an angry retort, stifled by the gag, as her boots disappeared inside the machine.

The Penguin put his arm around Pen Gwen. "I saw you on television. Marvelous acting, a performance worthy of an Academy Award. Batman and the Boy Blunder will never suspect Batgirl is in any danger!"

"You're wrong, Penguin!" Batman shouted.

"We saw through your cheap deception," Robin added. "We'll rescue Batgirl and you and your finks will be charged with attempted murder, kidnapping, and trespassing on private property!"

"The dynamic dimwits!" squawked the Penguin. "How did you know to come here?"

"Penelope Gwendolyn was very convincing on television," said Batman. "However, when she started the Batgirlcycle, she pulled into traffic without signaling her intentions. The real Batgirl is much too committed to traffic safety to violate so flagrantly the rules of the road!"

"We contacted her on her radio," Robin added. "We were able to track her by her radio signal, comparing it against our position as we moved, thus discovering her location through the use of…" he paused dramatically, "…trigonometry!"

"Trickerometry, more like it!" roared the Penguin. He turned on Pen Gwen in fury. "Why couldn't you be more careful?"

"I'm sorry Pengy," she answered.

"Not as sorry as you're going to be," he promised her, returning his attention to Batman and Robin as they swiftly moved forward. "Very clever, but if you're going to rescue Batgirl, you'd better be quick. She's already halfway inside!"

"MPFFFF!" Batgirl called out as she jerked forward, her hips disappearing.

"Robin, to the rescue!" Batman shouted.

Tern and Auk jumped forward, blocking their way. Batman and Robin knocked them aside and raced to Batgirl, just as her shoulders were pulled inside the machine. They reached inside, pulling her out quickly.

"Holy close shaves!" Robin exclaimed, looking down at Batgirls boots, with their bottoms cut off.

Batman tossed Batgirl's gag aside. "Batgirl! Are you okay?"

"Nothing a change of boots won't fix," she answered brightly. "I'm sorry Penguin got away once again, though."

…..

"Batgirl! Can you ever forgive me?" Police Chief O'Hara asked her as she followed Batman and Robin into Commissioner Gordon's office. "To think I was deceived by that Pen Gwen's act and told me officers to stop looking for you."

"She fooled me as well," the Commissioner said glumly.

"It's quite understandable, Commissioner, Chief," said Batman. "Two such models of integrity as yourself are naturally slow to suspect duplicity in others."

"Thank you for your kind words, Batman," said the Commissioner. "However, another matter has arisen, causing me concern."

"Holy rapid fire!" exclaimed Robin. "You don't mean the Penguin has struck again already?"

"I'm not sure, Boy Wonder," the Commissioner said. "I've had a phone call from the library. My daughter, Barbara, hasn't gone to work this afternoon, and they've been unable to reach her on her phone at home."

"Oh, I'm certain Barbara is alright," Batgirl said quickly.

"I wish I could share you certainty, Batgirl," the Commissioner sighed, "but I'm very worried. What if the Penguin has made her his next target?"

"I find it alarming as well," Batman agreed. "Did she mention anything to you about any plans she had, Commissioner?"

"As far as I knew, she would go into work, as I said." The Commissioner stood up and clasped his hands. "If she fell into the Penguin's hands as well…!"

"Don't worry, Commissioner, we'll find her somehow!" Robin said. "Batgirl, do you…? Batgirl? Batman, she's gone again! Do you think she knows where Barbara Gordon is, Batman?"

"I doubt it Robin, or she would have shared the information with us," said Batman.

The intercom buzzed. "Commissioner Gordon, your daughter is on the line."

"Thank you, Bonnie." The Commissioner picked up his telephone. "Hello, Barbara? Are you okay? I've been frantic with worry! I received a call from the library… oh, an emergency trip to the dentist… your mouth was too sore for you to talk, so you couldn't let anyone know… yes, yes, I'm so relieved you're safe and feeling better now."

After saying good-bye, he hung up his phone. "That was my daughter, Barbara," he explained. "She didn't go to work because she needed some emergency dental work."

"I deduced as much, Commissioner," said Batman.

"Sure'n it's a load off me mind to know the colleen's safe, but we still need to find the Penguin!" exclaimed Chief O'Hara. "The women of our city aren't safe with that scoundrel loose, but he could be holed up anywhere!"

"Not anywhere, Commissioner," Batman corrected him meaningfully.

"Saints preserve us!" Chief O'Hara exclaimed. "You mean you know where that felonious bird is?"

"Not for a certainly," said Batman, "but given the predictability of the criminal mind, I believe we can find him. Come, Robin, to the Batmobile!"

…..

*"Meanwhile, back at the abandoned Wholly Mackerel Fish Canning Factory, the Penguin is once again cooking up a dastardly scheme!"*

"Mpfff!" screamed Pen Gwen, kicking her legs wildly. She hung in the air, her arms stretched up over her head. Her wrists were bound together, connected to a rope on a pulley. A white cloth covered her mouth.

"My plans in ruins, but at least I can show Gotham City how I deal with incompetence!" squawked the Penguin. "Leaving the Batgirlcycle radio on so the Bat Buffoon could trace you? You will slowly be lowered into the boiling fish oil below! Waugh, waugh, waugh!"

"Boss, don't you think that's a bit harsh?" asked Tern as Pen Gwen screamed again.

"You've scared her enough so she won't do it again," added Auk.

"QUIET!" shouted the Penguin. "You dare question my modus operandi? Turn the winch so the wench will meet her doom. Do it, I say, or I'll throw you in with her!"

Tern looked at Auk, but the pair turned a large handle. Pen Gwen's struggles became more frantic as she drew closer to the boiling oil below….

…..

"Gosh, Batman, do you really think the Penguin returned to the Wholly Mackerel Fish Canning Factory?" Robin asked.

"I suspect, Robin, that when our arch-enemy encountered this latest setback that he fell back onto familiar territory rather than go somewhere new," Batman explained. "However, rather than enter directly, we'll go through these windows, so as not to alert the Penguin of our approach."

"Waugh, waugh, waugh," laughed the Penguin, enjoying the sight of Pen Gwen's efforts to escape. "I wouldn't try so hard to slip those ropes, my dear. All you'll do is end up in the soup, er, oil, all the faster! Waugh, waugh, waugh!"

"Boss, what's that?" Auk asked.

"It's a monster!" Tern shrieked

"What?" The Penguin turned to where the henchman pointed. There, on the wall, was the shadow of a gigantic bat! "It's not a monster, you cowering cowards! It's Batman stretching out his cape, trying to frighten us with his cheap theatrics. Get him, finks!"

Auk and Tern charged towards Batman and Robin just as Batgirl darted into the room through the door. Batman swung a fist against Tern, sending the henchman tumbling to the ground.

**BAFF!**

Batgirl dodged swipe from the Penguin's umbrella and kicked out with one foot.

**OOF!**

The Penguin got to his feet groggily as Batgirl raced to Batman and Robin. She laughed as the henchmen swung at her, completely missing as she dodged by them. Batman and Robin lifted her into the air so she could kick with both feet, directly at Auk and Tern.

**ZAM!**

"You're supposed to be being lowered into the oil," the Penguin grumbled, noticing Pen Gwen swinging in the air. "I'll do it myself." He grasped the handle and started turning.

"MPFFF!" she screamed. The heels of her go-go boots were mere inches from the boiling oil!

"At least this will go right!" the Penguin announced.

Robin grabbed the Penguin's hands, pulling them off the handle, but Tern pulled Robin away. "That's right, take care of the Boy Blunder while I finish my business here," said the Penguin.

Robin tried to get up, but Tern held him down. Batgirl picked up a chair and cracked it across Auk's back. The henchman staggered, but came forward again, blocking both Batman and Batgirl from coming to Pen Gwen's help!

"Waugh, waugh, waugh!" laughed the Penguin, turning the handle faster.

"Hold on, Penelope Gwendolyn!" shouted Batman. Before Auk could react, Batman threw a Batboomerang with a rope attached. The rope wound several times around Pen Gwen's ankles and Batman pulled her away from the boiling oil.

Auk leapt forward, knocking Batman's arm.

"MPFFF!" screamed Pen Gwen as she swung back, directly over the oil!

Batman knocked Auk aside and lunged for the rope, once again pulling Pen Gwyn out of harm's way. The Penguin gave an angry shriek as Pen Gwyn safely landed on the floor. A moment later, both henchmen were subdued and Batman snapped the Batcuffs on the Penguin's wrists.

…..

"Sad, sad, sad," said Commissioner Gordon. He looked sorrowfully at the Penguin. "Once again it is my sad duty to send you off to the Gotham State Penitentiary. I sincerely hope that this, the twentieth time for you, Penguin, finally teaches you the errors of your ways."

"Faugh!" squawked the Penguin. "Warden Crichton and his modern penological principals may sound all very pretty in principle, but it'll take more to ruffle this bird's feathers! I'll be out of that cardboard prison in no time. With my wealth and contacts I'll be back to terrorize Gotham City once again, wait and see!"

"I'm sorry to see you so unrepentant, Penguin," said Batman. "At least I have higher hopes for Miss Penelope Gwendolyn."

"Yes, Batman," said Pen Gwyn, clinking the manacles that restrained her wrists. "After what Pengy did to me, I've learned my lesson about associating with criminals."

Batman spoke earnestly. "I believe you have, Miss, which is why I recommended the judge give you such a lenient sentence. I have also spoken with my good friend, Bruce Wayne, who has agreed to arrange suitable employment for you once you are eligible for parole."

"Oh, thank you, Batman!" Pen Gwen stepped forward and lightly kissed him on the cheek, earning a frown from Batgirl.

"Gosh, Br… Batman, do you think that's wise?" asked Robin. "How do we know Pen Gwyn isn't just faking?"

"I'm certain that as president of the parole board, Bruce Wayne will review her prison record carefully, old chum," Batman replied. "He will not be taken in lightly by a deception on her part."

"'He won't be taken in lightly…' pshaw!" said the Penguin. "He's recommended me for parole nineteen times so far and been wrong every time!"

"Begorrah, Batman, do you think maybe Bruce Wayne is too lenient with the convicts in the State Prison?" asked Chief O'Hara as Commissioner Gordon nodded his head in sympathy.

"I believe, gentlemen, that I can speak for Bruce Wayne in stating that everyone deserves a second chance… or, in Penguin's case, a twentieth chance, should he prove himself worthy of such an opportunity. And now, if you'll excuse me, Robin and I are urgently required elsewhere."

…..

*"Several days later, on a sunny day at the Gotham City Central Park…"*

"Thank you for inviting me out, Bruce," Barbara Gordon said. "It's delightful to enjoy a day out when the weather's so nice."

"It was my pleasure," Bruce Wayne replied. "I'm glad I was able to, for it's rare I have a chance to simply relax, for my… business pursuits keep me so busy. Is your tooth any better?"

"My tooth?" she asked blankly. "Oh, yes, my tooth. Yes, much better, thanks for asking."

"I wonder what's keeping Aunt Harriet?" asked Dick Grayson.

"I believe she went over to purchase an ice cream cone, Master Grayson," Alfred the butler announced.

The elderly woman soon rejoined the small group. "What delicious ice cream!" she exclaimed. "But it's sold by such a funny man!"

Bruce paused suddenly. "A funny man, you say, Aunt Harriet?"

"Why yes, he's dressed in a… well, it looks a bit like a gray spacesuit and has some kind of cooling pack on. He said it was to keep the ice cream at a proper temperature to taste perfect. It really does seem to be working, but the poor man must be simply freezing!"

"Holy human icicle!" Dick exclaimed, although he kept his voice low enough so only Bruce could hear. "That sounds just like our old enemy, Mr. Freeze! Let's go get him, right now!"

"No, old chum," said Bruce. "We have no proof that he is up to any illegal activity. Although I admit it is highly unlikely, he could be here as an honest ice cream vendor. However, I suggest we return to stately Wayne Manor quickly, as it may be prudent of us to remain close to the Batphone for the foreseeable future."

As Bruce Wayne led the way from the park, Mr. Freeze chuckled softly and served another cone.

*"Mr. Freeze, an honest ice cream vendor? Or is it merely a front before he launches another blizzard of criminality against the honest citizens of Gotham City? For the answers, tune in to this channel next week!"*


End file.
